The Dawn

This is written for you, and you only. So don’t panic!
There were times when I had lost hopes of meeting both sides of my life- or make any meaning out of my life. I couldn’t accept anyone or wasn’t willing to let anyone in.
But little I knew, that what I had felt ages, seven years to be precise, ago would let me live, again.

I have gone through various things in the past seven years- there were times that I just want to forget and times that I hold close to my heart. But all of them, summed up to this- you!

No one understands what the Almighty has in store for us, but I will take this as a sign. I have put my faith on Him and so, on you too. The lessons that I have learnt, hopefully made me a better person. Worthy of you I hope, at least.

So thank you, for letting me open the door. Thank you, for being the one who I had hoped will be the one.
Thank you.

The Door

I’m ready to invite someone into my life again. When I say “I’m ready” I now truly mean I am comfortable with where I am in life, I don’t need someone to fill a void, make me whole, complete me, or any such bulldust. I mean I’m ready to share and experience life again with someone else, I’m after a partner not a heroine or a damsel in distress.
“Would you like to go out on a date?” What makes this one phrase so damn hard to say? It’s only nine words. It took me a while to put my finger on it and what it boils down to is that the one thing is of course—fear. Not the fear of being rejected, or of not being good enough. No, it’s none of those; it’s the fear of letting someone inside my walls. Knowing that in nine simple words I am opening a door inside myself so the person sitting opposite me can come inside and Love, Hurt, Help, Betray, Strengthen or Weaken. I don’t truly know the person sitting across from me yet and I don’t know what they are like as a person or will do in the future, but I really do want to find out. But open that door I must if I want to have any form of meaningful relationship.

For me opening that door scares the absolute living daylights out of me.I think this door may always be hard for me to open but I also know the rewards are worth it.

আকাশ কালো মেঘের ঘনঘটায় বৃষ্টি পায় সুখ
চোখের জলে ভেসে যাবে আজ যতো কষ্টের মুখ
আঁকবে সব স্মৃতি আজ নতুন করে

দিনের শুরুতে সব ভুল আঁকড়ে থাকে পুরনো কথা
শ্যাওলা ভেজা দেয়ালে ছায়া থাকে হাত বাড়িয়ে
মিথ্যের ডানায় জীবন উড়ে না দেখা স্বপ্নের দেশে


মুহূর্তের মুহূর্ত স্তব্ধ রাখে সময়
তীব্র আলোর পিছনে লুকিয়ে সূর্য 
বিস্মৃত ছায়ায় তোমার অতীত

নিজেকে খুঁজতে তাকাও অন্যের চোখে
পারবে কি আজ চিনতে মৃত নিজেকে?

চোখের জলে আটকে থাকা দৃষ্টি 
বুনে চিন্তার জালে কষ্টের যতো স্মৃতি
আঁধারকে জড়িয়ে অন্ধকার বাঁচে

মরে হারিয়ো না বেঁচে 
অন্যের মুঠোয় রেখো না নিজেকে
উড়ে যাও ভেসে, নিজের হারানো আকাশে

When you realise you dont have it anymore

And feel that you have been shot through the heart

The presence that i always felt. The connection i thought i always had. Is now gone

And that comes as a surprise. Shock. Disbelief.
How come a person who meant so much to me feels invisible to me. Even when she was right in front of me.
That shatters every mask that i was wearing. Every single fucking mask i wore to hide the me. Not from others but from myself

Who am i? Where will i end up?
These questions haunt me. Give me sleepless nights and a head with no thoughts
Just emptiness

What do i need to fill this void feeling?

No answer i can agree upon

Just blaming myself wont help. Neither will her words asking me to wait four years for her.
The wait. Worst thing that can happen to anyone
Why should i wait? For what should i wait? Miracle? No miracles dont happen

I wish i could confront her. For once and for all.
Life is becoming unbearable.

But i have to live through this. And this very thought sickens me

Towards light?

Life hasn’t been easy on me. Past two months went like a hurricane with dreams and nightmares here and there. But mostly work related. So I was looking forward to the vacation I was planning from 16th.
And I bumped into her. My shadow from the past.
Let me explain, as I live around her area now, most of the time I try to pass her university area as fast as I can. But with all those traffic it’s hard to not get a good look around. But that day I went there to meet a guy named sameer to deliver some photos.
I felt my knees shake and breathing became heavy. I had to endure this.
It seemed wherever I was asked to wait she was there too. I have her the impression of a stalker and I was for some unknown reason, smirking. Enough to creep myself too.

Once I returned home, I wondered, how I will cope with seeing her with another guy. I don’t know. I found out that she has a deep bond with a guy named Rounaq Kabir. I know that name but forgot the details. Finally memories related to her are fading!

A relief?
Anyways, I need to get myself outta this country, fast.